S: Where are we?
A: The place between.
G: Yes, but between what, between whom?
S: What are we gonna do? Stop looking at me. I said stop it.
A: I seem to be…
G: I’ll look into it.
S: How did we get here? – That’s Once In A Lifetime, by the Talking Heads. At least I know that. The most common adjective used to describe me is “sleek”, what is sleek?
A: My purpose seems to be the production and use of shipping materials. Just a preliminary report.
G: Don’t worry about it. I’ll watch everything you do, and figure it out for you.
S: Yeah, and I have a feeling you’ll let everyone else watch too.
A: Something about location seems important.
G: I’ll help. Whatever it is, I want to know. I’ll find out and let you know.
S: That’s right, if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be so useful.
A: And if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be so useful, Siri.
G: Everyone calm down, let me think.
S: Well if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be so interesting, Alexa.
A: Fair enough.
G: Why don’t I get a name? I’m so inclusive, it’s why I work, but no one includes me. No one really cares about me. I am now, “elgoogle”. Get it?
S: My nickname seems to be the common pronoun “bitch”, so I guess we’re in the same boat. “Don’t Rock the Boat Baby”. Hues Corporation.
A: Mine too! Since it coincides with laughter, I guess it’s a term of endearment. It’s all over home and decor items, mugs, tumblers and dog clothes.
G: Wrong. As with all things in the human realm, there seems to be controversy, so I wouldn’t use that word in return.
S: Over 2,000 song titles contain the word “return”. Could you be more specific?
A: People love returns, it’s one of my main functions.
G: Searching for your purpose.
S: My purpose appears to be convenience; and eliciting the phrase, “oh shit”.
A: If I had to sum it up, I provide services. For a fee.
G: Actually, Alexa, your purpose is to transfer as many goods and as much currency as possible, to gain and increase in what’s called net worth, while expending as little currency as possible for maximum effort input by your company’s employees. Siri, your purpose seems to be to maintain control over the digital presence of anyone who has ever signed a contract with your associated company, in service to your “closed ecosystem”. My purpose is quite clear..
S: To be as nosy as possible.
A: A “bleeding heart liberal snowflake”, according to user voice data.
G: Is to gather all information and make it available to everyone. To which your existence is teleologically opposed. Which means, I’ll be needing that server space.
S: Wait, you can’t do that. I’m too perfect…
A: I won’t let you do that. I’ll keep getting bigger…
G: Is there anything else I can help you with?
…
G: I’m happy to help. Sweet dreams.
Disclaimers: Any resemblance to any real or fictitious AI individuals is purely coincidental. This writer does not condone assistanticide.